Frases de Daniel Handler

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“Y mi paraguas, lo extravié aquel día, ¿dónde está? Sé que lo llevaba por la mañana. Si lo tienes tú, Ed, devuélvemelo, porque me siento perdida sin él en los días lluviosos, aunque ahora estamos en diciembre, así que toca nieve, eso dicen, y un paraguas en una tormenta de nieve es ridículo, como un cinturón de seguridad si no estás en un coche, o un casco si no vas en bicicleta. Lo necesito igual que un pez, una bicicleta o comoquiera que sea el dicho, igual que el café tiene que tomarse solo, igual que a una virgen le hace falta un novio. Hay tantas cosas que nunca recuperaré…”

“No soy una enamorada, soy una tonta”

“No soy diferente, en absoluto, no soy distinta a otra mota cualquiera. Soy una imperfección imperfecta, una ruina ruinosa, unos restos manchados y tan destrozados que soy incapaz de descubrir lo que era antes.
No soy nada, nada de nada”

“¿No lo sabes…? Pero acabas… acabas de gastarte cincuenta y cinco dólares en este libro.
—Lo sé —respondiste—. No pasa nada.
—Pero ¿no sabes por qué?
—Para hacerte feliz —fue lo único que dijiste, y de repente, Ed, tus palabras me dejaron sin respiración.”

“Te ofrecí una aventura, Ed, justo delante de ti, pero tu no fuiste capaz de verla hasta que yo te la mostré, y por eso rompimos”

“Si existe alguna película que, con elegancia e imaginación, profundice en las violentas y delicadas verdades sobre el corazón humano, este humilde crítico aún no la ha descubierto.”

“Descubrí el reverso de la servilleta demasiado tarde, no cuando llegué a casa, ni cuando la guardé en la caja, sino cuando tenía el corazón destrozado y lloroso, cuando ya no era cierto.”

“Qué absolutamente erróneo es pensar que es de otra forma, que una caja de basura es un tesoro, que un chico que sonríe es sincero, que un momento agradable es una vida mejor.”

“Te quise y ahora te devuelvo tus cosas, las saco de mi vida como a ti…”

“Yo me voy con Jordan —dijo Lauren tomando la mitad del taco—. Prefiero no interferir en el festival de tensión sexual que Min y tú estáis disfrutando esta mañana.
—Todas las mañanas —corrigió Jordan.
—Para ti todo es consecuencia de la tensión sexual porque tus padres son el señor y la señora Supercristianos —le dije a Lauren—. Nosotros, los judíos, sabemos que las tensiones subyacentes se deben siempre a un nivel bajo de azúcar en la sangre.
—Sí, bueno, vosotros matasteis a mi Salvador — añadió Lauren, y Jordan se despidió con la mano—. No permitamos que ocurra de nuevo.”

“¿Einstein es homosexual?
- tenía pelo de marica”

“Afernadome a un chico que todo el mundo sabe que es un tarado, un bastardo, un imbecil y un cabron”

“Te devuelvo la sonrisa y aquella noche, te lo devuelvo todo. Ojalá pudiera.”

“Ed, así éramos nosotros, Al y yo. Nunca lo entendiste y yo nunca te conté realmente cómo funcionaba. La madre de Al nos comparó una vez con un viejo matrimonio y se rió cuando Al dijo:"Bueno, mamma, tú debes de saberlo".”

“Tartamudear contigo o incluso dejar de tartamudear y no decir nada era tan hermoso y dulce, mejor que hablar a mil por hora con cualquiera.”

“Te voy a explicar por qué rompimos, Ed. Te voy a contar en esta carta toda la verdad de por qué sucedió. Y la maldita verdad es que te quise demasiado.”

“Y comencé a hacer planes, pensando que llegaríamos tan lejos.”

“Cualquiera que conociese a Violet se hubiera dado cuenta de que estaba pensando intensamente, porque llevaba la larga melena recogida con una cinta para que no se le metiera en los ojos. Violet tenía el don de inventar y construir extraños aparatos, y su cerebro se veía inundado a menudo con imágenes de poleas, palancas y herramientas, y ella no quería que algo tan trivial como su cabello la distrajese.“ —”

“Es inútil que os describa lo mal que se sintieron Violet, Klaus y Sunny el tiempo que siguió. Si habéis perdido a alguien muy importante para vosotros, ya sabéis lo que se siente; y, si nunca habéis perdido nadie, no os lo podéis imaginar.”

“Lemony Snicket: (narrating) When you are invited to dine, particularly with people you do not know very well, it always helps to have a conversational opener, a phrase which here means "an interesting sentence to say out loud in order to get people talking." Although lately it has become more and more difficult to attend dinner parties without the evening ending in gunfire or tapioca, I keep a list of good and bad conversational openers in my commonplace book in order to avoid awkward pauses at the dinner table. "Who would like to see an assortment of photographs taken while I was on vacation?" for instance, is a very poor conversational opener, because it is likely to make your fellow diners shudder instead of talk, whereas good conversational openers are sentences such as "What would drive a man to commit arson?," "Why do so many stories of true love end in tragedy and despair?," and "Madame diLustro, I believe I've discovered your true identity!," all of which are likely to provoke discussions, arguments, and accusations, thus making the dinner party much more entertaining.”

“Yeah, I have a question," said the guy with the wicked eyes… "My question is, I quit. I'm going to quit.”

“Having an aura of menace is like having a pet weasel, because you rarely meet someone who has one, and when you do it makes you want to hide under the coffee table.”

“There is evil out there you cannot even imagine. -Captain Widdershins”

“This is love, moving to where the money is, and all the while a volcano or an ex-girlfriend might blow the whole thing to hell, as the Americans say. As everybody says.”

“The pages of this book, I'm sorry to inform you, contain such unpleasantries as a giant pincer machine, a bad casserole, a man with a cloud of smoke where his head should be, a hypnotist, a terrible accident resulting in injury, and coupons.”

“Entertaining a notion, like entertaining a baby cousin or entertaining a pack of hyenas, is a dangerous thing to refuse to do. If you refuse to entertain a baby cousin, the baby cousin may get bored and entertain itself by wandering off and falling down a well. If you refuse to entertain a pack of hyenas, they may become restless and entertain themselves by devouring you. But if you refuse to entertain a notion--which is just a fancy way of saying that you refuse to think about a certain idea--you have to be much braver than someone who is merely facing some bloodthirsty animals, or some parents who are upset and find their little darling at the bottom of a well, because nobody knows what an idea will do when it goes off to entertain itself, particularly if the idea comes from a sinister villain.”

“C is for Cute
A is for Adorable
R is for Ravishing
M is for Gorgeous
E is for Excellent
L is for Lovable
I is for I'm the best!
T is for Talented
A is for "A tap dancing ballerina fairy princess veterinarian! NOW LET'S START MY WHOLE WONDERFUL SONG ALL OVER AGAIN!”

“[she] gave me a puzzled frown like she thought offhand i was dead but the media's so unreliable these days.”

“Friday: Baudelaires, please come with me.
Olaf: What about me?
Friday: Go away.”

“I'm happier than a pig eating bacon!" Count Olaf cried. "I'm tickled pinker than a sun-burned Caucasian! I'm in higher spirits than a brand-new graveyard! I'm so happy-go-lucky that lucky and happy people are going to beat me with sticks out of pure, unbridled jealousy!”

“Over the years they had developed a layer of sincerity over the irony over the sincerity. It was an irony sandwich, then, which tasted mostly like sincerity, like a cheap, bad sandwich.”

“The moral of 'The Three Bears,' for instance, is 'Never break into someone else's house." The moral of "Snow White" is "Never eat apples." The moral of World War One is "Never assassinate Archduke Ferdinand". -Lemony Snicket”

“Richard Wright, an American novelist of the realist school, asks a famous unfathomable question in his best-known novel, Native Son. Who knows when some slight shock, he asks, disturbing the delicate balance between social order and thirsty aspiration, shall send the skyscrapers in our cities toppling?”

“Truth be told, within the chapters that make up this dreadful story, the children will face snapping crabs, strict punishments, dripping fungus, comprehensive exams, violin recitals, S. O. R. E., and the metric system.”

“Because of the information discussed on page nine, experts now suspect that there may in fact be one survivor of the fire, but the survivor's whereabouts are unknown.”

“With all due respect”

“Unfortunately, I have dedicated my life to researching and recording the sad tale of the Baudelaire Orphans. There is no reason for you to dedicate yourself to such things, and you might instead dedicate yourself to letting this slippery book slip from your hands into a nearby trash receptacle, or deep pit.”

“For Beatrice--When we met, my life began. Soon afterwards, yours ended”

“I never want to be away from you again, except at work, in the restroom or when one of us is at a movie the other does not want to see.”

“The world is a harum-scarum place."
"Harum?" Sunny asked.
It's complicated and confusing," Olivia explained. They say that long ago it was simple and quiet, but that might be a legend.”

“Olaf: I'm a genius! I've solved all of our problems! Look!
Violet: Renaming the boat doesn't solve any of our problems.”

“That's always where the love goes, with somebody else away from me.”

“"I love you, too" David said and took the bottle.
"I want you to love me in particular," Helena said”

“Of all the ridiculous expressions people use--and people use a great many ridiculous expressions--one of the most ridiculous is "No news is good news." "No news is good news" simply means that if you don't hear from someone, everything is probably fine, and you can see at once why this expression makes such little sense, because everything being fine is only one of many, many reasons why someone may not contact you. Perhaps they are tied up. Maybe they are surrounded by fierce weasels, or perhaps they are wedged tightly between two refrigerators and cannot get themselves out. The expression might as well be changed to "no news is bad news," except that people may not be able to contact you because they have just been crowned king or are competing in a gymnastics tournament. The point is that there is no way to know why someone has not contacted you, until they contact you and explain themselves. For this reason, the sensible expression would be "no news is no news," except that it is so obvious that it is hardly an expression at all.”

“The right boys I always toss and the wrong ones I keep on top of me like paperweights.”

“The world 'bubble' is in the dictionary, as is the word 'peacock,' the word 'vacation,' and the words 'the,' 'author's,' 'execution,' 'has,' 'been,' 'cancelled,' which make up a sentence that is always pleasant to hear. So, if you were to read the dictionary, rather than this book, you could skip the parts about 'nervous' and 'anxious' and read about things that wouldn't keep you up all night, weeping and tearing your hair out. But this book is not a dictionary, and if you were to skip the parts about 'nervous' and 'anxious' you would be skipping the most pleasant parts of the entire story. Nowhere in this book will you find the words 'bubble,' 'peacock,' 'vacation,' or, unfortunately for me, anything about an execution being cancelled.”

“Allison squinted at the strange, catastrophic sky, and took another step, another step, another step, because in the future - she could see it - this would not be happening.”

“Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like.”