Frases de Dave Barry

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“Como humorista profesional, recibo a menudo cartas de lectores interesados en la naturaleza básica del humor. '¿Qué clase de persona enferma, perversa y repelente eres…?', suelen preguntar, '¿… que hace chistes sobre prender fuego a una cabra?”

“Debo aclarar que llevaba una capa de terciopelo negro para parecerme al apuesto, romántico Zorro. Pero en realidad parecía un murciélago gigantesco con gafas.”

“En la América de hoy… tenemos a Woody Allen, cuyo humor se ha vuelto tan sofisticado que sólo lo entiende Mia Farrow. Los que crean que Mia Farrow debería volver a hacer películas donde el demonio la deja preñada y Woody Allen debería volver a disfrazarse de espermatozoide, que levanten la mano. Gracias.”

“Discuto muy bien. Preguntad a alguno de los amigos que me quedan. Puedo ganar una discusión sobre cualquier tema, contra cualquier oponente. La gente lo sabe, y me evita en las fiestas. A veces, como signo de gran respeto, ni siquiera me invitan.”

“La pregunta más frecuente es: ¿Tienen orgasmos los seres unicelulares? La respuesta es sí, los tienen constantemente. Por eso no les importa vivir en charcas de barro caliente.”

“Los cuatro elementos del universo son fuego, agua, tierra y vinilo.”

“Los tiburones son tan duros como esos fans del fútbol que se quitan las camisetas en pleno enero en Chicago. Pero son más inteligentes.”

“Tengo un planteamiento infalible para un programa de televisión de gran éxito. Se llamaría 'Una Celebridad es Devorada Viva por un Tiburón'.”

“Tras unos años aburridos, el Rock and Roll con conciencia social murió. Fue reemplazado por la música Disco, que sólo servía como guía a formas de vida no más complicadas que la familia de los líquenes.”

“I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.”

“Sir,” James asked, “what are we going to do?”
“We’re going to look for water,” said Alf.
“And food?” said Tubby Ted.
“Water first,” said Alf. “We can go days without food.”
“We can what?” Tubby Ted shouted.”

“He was distracted by a giggle, and turned to see a rare sight: a girl.”

“His body rigid with terror as he waited for the savages to something horrible to him—bash his head with clubs, or stab him with spears, or…
…or tap him on the shoulder.”

“Seriously? You won’t help me?”
“Help yourself get killed? No, I won’t.”

“I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet,
so I took his shoes.”

“You might have mentioned this to me Molly,” said Leonard. “The fact that there are hostile natives on the island.”
“I forgot,” said Molly.
“You forgot?” said Leonard.
“There’s been a lot happening,” said Molly.”

“The Mollusks—generous hosts when they weren’t trying to kill you.”

“Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably Have around the Home.”

“We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.”

“We need our highest judicial body to stop this childish bickering and get back to debating the kinds of weighty constitutional issues that have absorbed the court in recent years, such as whether a city can legally force an exotic dancer to cover her entire nipple, or just the part that pokes out.”

“In sports, Vijay Singh wins the Masters golf tournament and is awarded the coveted green jacket, which is quickly snatched away by angry Buick executives and given to Tiger Woods.”

“Of course it’s possible that there really ISN’T any shadow government. The whole thing could be a phony story that was fed to The Washington Post to mislead our enemies. As you recall, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld recently admitted that the Pentagon had set up an office-officially named "The Office of Disinformation"-that was supposed to put out false statements to the media, thus throwing our enemies off the track. For example, if we were getting ready to attack Iraq, officials of the Office of Disinformation would hold a press conference and state: "Well, we’re certainly not going to attack Iraq!"”

“Stalin's strategy at the end of World War II was to acquire a small "buffer zone between Russia and Germany, consisting of Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania, Poland, Czechoslovakia, Hungary, Romania, Bulgaria, Yugoslavia, Albania, and most of Germany. In an effort to garner public support in these nations, Stalin mounted a public-relations campaign around the upbeat theme "Maybe We Won't Have Your Whole Family Shot," and in 1945 Eastern Europe decided to join the Communist bloc by a vote of 28,932,084,164,504,029-0. Heartened by this mandate, Stalin immediately ordered construction work to begin on the Iron Curtain, which was given its name by Sir Winston Churchill, who, in a historic anecdote at a dinner party, said, "Madam, I may be drunk, but an iron curtain has descended upon BLEAAARRRGGGHHH."”

“The transportation bill had over $5 billion worth of special local projects and favors attached to it, lamprey-like, by various congresspersons. But this is good, because these projects will CREATE JOBS. See, when the GOVERNMENT spends money, it creates jobs; whereas when the money is left in the hands of TAXPAYERS, God only knows what they do with it. Bake it into pies, probably. Anything to avoid creating jobs.”

“What Dad means by "see" of course, is "drive past at 67 miles per hour." Dad feels it is a foolish waste of valuable vacation time to get out of the car and actually go look at an attraction.”

“Denmark (also called "Norway") is best known as the original home of the prune Danish as well as the Vikings, who wore hats with horns sticking out of them, and for a very good reason: they were insane.”

“As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.”

“Thus was born the civil rights movement, an epic struggle that has required much sacrifice and pain, but which has enabled the United States to progress, in just three decades, from being a nation where blacks were forced to ride in the back of the bus, to being a nation where, due to federal cutbacks, there is no bus.”

“In sports, the U. S. Open is not actually held because it's more efficient just to mail the check to Tiger Woods.”

“The best way to learn Japanese is to be born as a Japanese baby, in Japan, raised by a Japanese family.”

“Winter's here, and you feel lousy: You're coughing and sneezing; your muscles ache; your nose is an active mucus volcano. These symptoms -- so familiar at this time of year -- can mean only one thing: Tiny fanged snails are eating your brain.”

“I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to.”

“Tiger Woods is kidnapped by rival golfers, sedated, handcuffed, placed in a straitjacket, wrapped in chains, and locked inside a trunk, which is then weighted with concrete blocks and dropped into the deepest part of the Pacific Ocean. He easily wins the PGA Championship.”

“We travel because, no matter how comfortable we are at home, there's a part of us that wants - that needs - to see new vistas, take new tours, obtain new traveler's checks, buy new souvenirs, order new entrees, introduce new bacteria into our intestinal tracts, learn new words for "transfusion," and have all the other travel adventures that make us want to french-kiss our doormats when we finally get home.”

“U. S. News Organizations observe the anniversary of September 11 with investigations about the nation's continuing vulnerability to terrorism. First, the New York Daily News reports that two of its reporters carried box cutters, razor knives, and pepper spray on fourteen commercial flights without getting caught. Then ABC News reports that it smuggled fifteen pounds of uranium into New York City. Then Fox News reports that it flew Osama bin Laden to Washington, D. C., and videotaped him touring the White House.”

“I took an estimated two thousand years of high school French, and when I finally got to France, I discovered that I didn't know one single phrase that was actually useful in a real-life French situation.”

“What, exactly, is the Internet? Basically it is a global network exchanging digitized data in such a way that any computer, anywhere, that is equipped with a device called a "modem" can make a noise like a duck choking on a kazoo.”

“What was life like in the colonies? Probably the best word to describe it would be "colonial."”